All of my counseling sessions start pretty much the same way. My therapist asks, “So… where to today?” And I say that I hate that question. I spend every Thursday morning worrying about how to answer it, and after our hour is done, I worry that I didn’t answer it right. I tell her that she’s the expert, why can’t she start us out? She should be telling me what to talk about.
Then she says something like, “it sounds like you want to conform yourself to my agenda. What if I don’t have an agenda?”
And I say that of course I know there’s no agenda, no right and wrong. But I don’t know how to operate as the leader, the expert of anything, even my own thoughts and feelings. The she asks about my history of conforming myself to others, and my stories spill out. In that office, I have this strange feeling of terror and freedom. I am who I am, and there are no unspoken expectations.
Then my hour is up, and I leave, thinking, “Did I do that right?”
